Amercian AddictionCenters
Written by: Stacy Mosel, L.M.S.W.
Updated Jun 18, 2024
If your loved one is struggling with alcohol use, it can be challenging to figure out how to help them. By educating yourself on alcohol use disorders, considering different ways of how to talk to your loved one, and making a plan for your conversation, you’ll be better equipped to lend your support and get your loved one the help they need.
Remember: It may take more than one conversation with a person who has an alcohol use disorder to encourage them to seek help. However, by showing your support and concern, you may be able to help them to see they have a problem with alcohol and would benefit from addiction treatment.
What you will learn:
An explanation of alcohol use disorders.
How to approach someone you think may have a drinking problem.
How to offer assistance to someone misusing alcohol.
How to take care of yourself while also helping someone with a drinking problem.
What is an Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD)?
Drinking becomes problematic when it affects a person’s life to the point where they can no longer control their alcohol use. They continue to drink despite negative impacts it has on their life. When someone’s drinking progresses to this extent, a person may have an alcohol use disorder.
An alcohol use disorder (AUD) is a chronic but treatable condition that can develop in association with certain cognitive changes and physiological adaptations that can make it additionally difficult for a person to stop drinking–even if they want to.
Alcohol Use Disorder Diagnostic Criteria
You may suspect that someone has an AUD if they meet at least two of the following criteria outlined by the American Psychiatric Association (APA):
Drinking more often or in higher amounts than originally intended.
Expressing a desire to cut down or stop drinking but being unable to do so.
Spending a lot of time drinking or recovering from drinking.
Experiencing cravings, which means feeling the need to drink to the point that they cannot think of anything else.
Being unable to meet responsibilities at work, home, or school because of their drinking.
Continuing to drink even though it causes problems with family or friends.
Stopping or cutting back time on spent on hobbies or other activities the person once enjoyed so they can drink.
Getting into dangerous situations during or after drinking that increases their chances of harming themselves or someone else (such as drinking before or while driving).
Continuing to drink even if they have a mental health disorder (such as depression or anxiety) or a physical health issue that is either caused by or worsened by drinking.
Needing to drink more than they used to in order to feel the same effects of alcohol (i.e., tolerance).
Having symptoms of alcohol withdrawal (such as sweating, insomnia, shakiness, racing heart, seizures) when they try to stop or significantly reduce drinking.
Consuming more than one drink a day (equivalent to a 12-ounce beer) for women and two drinks a day for men may be considered unhealthy.2 Remember, only a physician can diagnose someone with an AUD. However, being aware of the signs of an AUD can help you prepare for your conversation with the person you suspect has a problem.
Signs of an Alcohol Use Disorder
You may notice certain physical changes in a loved one that could indicate that they have a problem with alcohol use. These physical signs may include bloodshot eyes, alcohol on their breath, sleeping more than usual or appearing tired, and/or an unsteady gait.
You might also notice behavioral changes if your loved one has a problem with alcohol. For example, they may become frequently angry, belligerent, or moody for no apparent reason. They may appear intoxicated; become less interested in relationships, work activities, or schoolwork; or be unable to refuse an offer of alcohol.
Sometimes, people struggling with alcohol misuse may begin telling lies or being secretive about their whereabouts, alcohol use, and more. You may notice that a person no longer provides consistent stories about their whereabouts, the people they’re with, or what they are doing. These factors alone don’t mean that a person has an AUD, but they may certainly be indicative of a problem with alcohol when accompanied by other telltale signs.
What to Say to an Alcoholic
Now that you’ve learned more about AUDs, you may be able to better understand what your coworker, friend, family member, or other loved one is experiencing. However, you might not be ready for the emotionally taxing part of your conversation. This is where making a plan and writing down your ideas can be helpful.
Writing down the main points you want to talk about can help you to formulate and remember your ideas during the conversation. Points you may want to consider when writing your conversation plan include:
Focus on your concern about your loved one’s drinking. Remember to use “I” statements that express your feelings and your concerns and the ways that you are impacted by your loved one’s alcohol use. You could say, “I am concerned about your alcohol use. I’ve noticed that I’m increasingly worried when you come home late at night and I don’t know where you’ve been.”
Explain that you’re worried about your loved one’s health. We suggest that you genuinely express your feelings to your loved one by saying something like “I’m concerned that drinking so much every day is harming your health. I’ve noticed that you’re sleeping all day on the weekends.”
Be empathic and understanding. Use empathetic, not blaming, statements such as “I know you’ve been having a hard time at work and you’ve been feeling more pressure” or “I know that you’re feeling more stressed than usual.”
Offer options instead of demands. Present options by saying something along the lines of “I was wondering if you would consider seeing a doctor to talk about your alcohol use,” instead of “You need to get help.” Even though you think it’s obvious that your loved one should seek help, it’s always up to the person to decide what course of action is best for them. You can suggest they seek help, but you can’t force someone to do something they’re not ready to do.
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